In my lifetime, I have amassed a total of 22 years’ working experience. These 22 years have been illustrious, to say the least. 22 solid years in the same industry, spanning across Southeast Asia. My footprints have marked my presence in KL, Jakarta, Hong Kong and Shenzhen.

Throughout these 22 years, it has been inevitable that I was acquainted with some very interesting and colourful characters. One of these would be the Horny Vegetarian. Let’s refer to him as Mr V. Mr V was a colleague of mine. He was entrusted with the Advertising Department and led a team of female executives. I once asked and according to him, his family comprised of devout Buddhists. Like them, he was staunch in his beliefs. So, following their footsteps, he adopted the vegetarian diet, which excluded all forms of meat, and condiments such as garlic and onions. Strangely, besides vegetarianism, Mr V had one other passion, and that was skirt-chasing. That, I didn’t ask, but almost everyone in the entire building knew by witnessing the number of times he tried to offer rides to ladies in his BMW. His passion led him to call a colleague, W, at such ungodly hours as 4 a.m. in the morning and ask if she needed a ride to work. He was willing to drive halfway across the island northwards, pick her up, then drive cross island eastwards to the office.

I was curious that vegetarian Buddhists do not eat condiments such as garlic and onions and tried very hard to probe the reasons out of him. He proceeded to explain that garlic and onions had a stimulating effect on one’s mind and body. I remember staring at him, stunned. The irony ran through my head, over and over again. “You can’t be serious! Despite avoiding meat and stimulating food, you’re such a passionate shirt-chaser. God forbid you ever change your dietary programme!”

The Horny Vegetarian Breeds Malapropism

Mr V also had a very disturbing habit of using words he didn’t understand, and words he couldn’t pronounce. On one occasion, he was describing a vehicular test drive in which he “accessorrated” and the car picked up speed. On another occasion, he described a rather well-liked colleague, often predisposed to wearing “quiet” luxury, as ‘ostentatious’.